A couple of weeks past our first wedding anniversary, Jay and me had an argument on something which his sister did, which has a direct impact on me. To be clear, knowingly or unknowingly, she did something which spoils a BIG surprise I had been planning for the last 2 months, even though she is aware of the surprise and had promised to help me. I love planning and giving surprises. I put in a lot of efforts and is ready to go to any extend to execute the surprises I plan for. Now THIS was very unexpected. I was completely broken. I was very very upset. There was hardly anything Jay could do, except consoling me. Instead he kept justifying his sister’s act and it irritated me further. I was upset the whole evening and later cleared it off as both of us were helpless.
Next day, in between some random conversations, it came up again. But, unlike the day before, I was in control of my displeasure and we had a long and open conversation. Open I say because we discussed things which was in our mind for a long long time, say since the day we met, but something which we never told each other. May be because of the sensitivity of the topic – as it involved the things which caused displeasure to him, from the acts of my parents or sis/BIL. And to me, from his side of family. Or because of our personality of not opening up til it crosses the limits. It was a healthy conversation. No calling names. No blaming game. Nothing. We just spoke it off. But both of us felt really relieved after it. I always wanted to let him know my thoughts on those issues, but never knew how he’ll take it, because he (or me) doesn’t like speaking that way about his (or my) family. Who likes, I know!
True to how I concluded the first anniversary letter, I am happy that both of us started showing our true colors. 😉 Ofcourse, for better. 😀
I was planning to put up a post here about this ice breaking between us. Now I read this post on Women’s Web and I could relate to it to some extend. I am recording some thoughts here for me to come back and read when I go off the track. I already practice a few. A few – I have to work on. As I mentioned, this is for the records. Here goes, as the title says, the lessons from one year of marriage.
- Marriage, or any relationship for that matter, doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We have to find out the ways that work best for us. What works for somebody else may not work for us. So stop relating to somebody else’s action, not even as a joke.
- Accept that you can’t be a perfect wife nor can he be a perfect husband overnight. Easy to say this than done. Only the marital status changed overnight, not the person you are or he is. He has lived three decades before you even met him. He has lived his life on his own terms. You can’t expect him to behave the way you do or you wish for.
- Stop creating the picture perfect home. It takes efforts & patience to change a bachelor “room” into a couple home. If he scatters his shaving cream, shaving brush, shampoo etc etc on the bathroom countertop, either clean it up (everytime, if you are patient enough) or leave it there til he himself put it back on the shelf. Don’t yell at him every single day. Yelling never helps. You are not just spoiling yourself, you are irritating him as well.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. Go for more gadgets free walks. Or stop watching shows when you have dinner. Talk about your day. It is a team effort. Communicate to understand each other’s mood, likings, worries, dreams.
- Accept the things which you cannot change. Overthinking doesn’t help. Do not bother to perfect all relations. If somebody doesn’t want to talk to you, ignore and walk away. He can’t MAKE somebody talk to you or like you.
- If you want him to know something, speak it out. Hints, subtle or strong, doesn’t work.
- He is intelligent enough to understand things you say once. Do not drag things from the past which is already spoken about and settled off. There is no point in asking the umpteenth time, why did she / he do like that.
From food to fun, our opinions never matched. But our fights have come down drastically. Most of the times we had difference of opinion, we speak out (rather than yelling) and agree to disagree and move on with a smile. We now acknowledge each other’s personality. Even with these differences, we always look forward to be around each other. Isn’t this what is most important to be in a relation?
P.S 1 – Initially I thought of making this post a private / password protected one, for the fear of being judged (me or him or our families). Or because of the details of the fights I shared, which we both alone knows. But then I let go the fear and decided to be myself. We are a happy couple and we don’t have any unnatural problems. Then why worry.
PS 2– I will ask him to write about his side of the story some day 😀
PS3 – For those who are curious about the BIG surprise I plan, here it is. Promise me you’ll keep it as a secret 😉 I am planning to go to India in another two weeks. Only my sis, his sis and my BFF know about it. This is gona be a big surprise for my parents, cousins and friends.