Friends

How do you deal with a person who has lost a loved one?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I don’t know how to behave when I visit their house.

I don’t know what to tell them.

Howmuchever we say, he has led a happy life or he must be watching you from heaven, its just not going to be the same again.

Yesterday my friend lost her father. 3 years back, she lost her elder brother, who was just 23 to cancer. She is 23 and is doing her MBA now. Why is god so unfair to them??

I visited her today, though I didn’t stay much long. I really don’t know how to describe the situation here. I have seen her only as a bubbly, chirpy, cheerful, beautiful girl. And today, she was lying there without having eye contact with anybody.. Staring at the open window, with teary eyes. It wasn’t until this very moment, that I began to understand the meaning of grief.

There was complete silence in the room for the first few minutes. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or making her feel even worse. Then, I started talking breaking the silence. We talked about our college, our friends and something and all. Her eyes welled up often and voice choked. All I could do was press her hands.

I didn’t ask a word about her father or about his death. I heard a lady out there asking somebody, how did it happen?? Didn’t you know that he is serious?? Didn’t you think of any better medical help??

Now that he is dead, I feel all these questions are just meaningless. It doesn’t really matter. No flashback or rewind is going to bring him back to life.

 

I hugged her. Pressed her hand in mine. Arranged the hair which fell on her tired face.

And said, I will come later, take care.

And she smiled.

 

It is said that time heals everything.. But does the loss of your loved one ever heal? 

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18 thoughts on “How do you deal with a person who has lost a loved one?

  1. It never does Jo 😦

    I can totally understand how this must have been for you.. for I have been in a similar situation more than once. During my 12th std, one of my classmates lost both her parents in a gap of just three months. I was there with her when her dad left us.. I didnt want to cry infront of her.. breaking her down further. As you just said.. there was total silence for about ten minutes.. and then she spoke. When there were 15 other classmates, she held my hand and ask me.. GB.. you said my father would come back well.. why did this happen to me? I was more than shattered hearing her words. God took away her mother too in 3months.. She was left with only her younger brother with no support from relatives. My heart still aches when I think of that situtaion. Thankfully she is in a happy place today, married with a baby – she struggled a lot!

    Again had to face a similar situation when my BFF lost her dad. We both has no words. but I just stayed with her for an hour.. I know nothing can help her. Today, we dont talk about that day at all. I know she is still grieving. 😦

    I probably think, there is nothing that can heal a person who has lost his/her loved one.

    1. Both the parents?? Oh my god..I cant even imagine.. Glad that there were people like you to stand by her side.

      What I feel is, the pain that we feel will always be there. We just learn to accept it or replace it with good memories, but will never forget them. Sometimes life is so cruel..

  2. I find it very uncomfortable dealing with such situation because I don’t know what to say to the person. It hurts the most when the person happens to be a close friend or relative. It such an awkward situation that I’m like gosh! somebody please save me. I lost a very good friend who was drowned at Khadakvasla dam in Pune years back. I still can’t believe it and it gets to me so often. How life is unfair! At times, I can feel his presence around.

    Vishal
    http://www.vishalbheeroo.wordpress.com

  3. Ohhh God…This is really very sad…I too will be lost at such a time..
    I lost 2 of my friends in their early 20s, full of life and smile to illness…And it was so painful to see their parents grieving for their young daughters….I still remember them and every time i find my eyes leaking..
    But what we can do is support them by spending time with them and helping with some chores….

  4. I am worse. I do not know what to say at all. I had two deaths in the family post marriage, and both the times, I ended up taking care of the grieving people, their medicines and meals mostly. I am absolutely hopeless in doling out comforting words to the person who has lost a dear one 😦

    1. True Visha.. We run out of words. As I said, we will be afraid of saying the wrong things. From yesterday onwards, I am in constant touch with her through SMS. I really find it difficult to pick up the right words. I type out each word carefully. Let God give her n her mom the power to stand by this..

  5. I think you handled it well Jo. Its always a difficult situation and as you say.. it is never going to be the same for your friend. Hope she finds the strength to carry on..

  6. It is tough, i remember during 12th std, one of my school mates lost his dad, and all of us school guys went to his house. It is a really hard moment, but our mere presence it is probably a way of us telling them indirectly, that we are pillars of support them, although the feeling might only be more symbolic than it actually means.

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